This is our writer Nick’s six observations in the bedroom. Want to keep your man coming back for more? Learn from a real man.
1. Don’t say “I Love You” DURING SEX. It’s fine if we are both finished, lying in bed, your head resting on my chest, and, while I brush your tangled hair off your face, you whisper it to me — that I like. But if I have you pinned against the closet door, forcefully driving myself inside you, your fingernails digging into my back, those three words are just awkward. It’s like when you’re whacking off to a porn scene and they show a close up of the guy’s face, it ruins it. C’mon, no one wants that.
2. “We always fuck. We rarely ever make love. It’s like having sex with a gorilla. No monster mode tonight.” I’m all for constructive criticism when it comes to my sex game, but there’s a way of phrasing things. “Baby, I like it when you’re forceful, but I want to do it slow tonight,” is much better than, “Ugh! It’s like being attacked by a mountain lion.” Choose your words carefully when critiquing our sexual behavior. We can be surprisingly sensitive, or at least I can be.
3. Talk. I can be pretty vocal during sex. Look, I’m a bit depraved, I’ll admit. I don’t expect everyone to be able to match me word for word. Some of the things that come out of my mouth would make Jenna Jameson feel uncomfortable. But there’s something unbelievably hot about a girl talking during sex. But if you sound like Ving Rhames when you’re getting off, perhaps its better to stay quiet.
4. If you’re going to be rough, expect me to be. I was with a girl…er…woman, once, who was pounding my chest like one of those gorillas from the movie Congo. She was close to snapping me in half. So, trying to match her intensity, I reach up and give her hair a little tiny tug…
“WOAH! She stops abruptly. Swatting my hand away. “What are you doing?”
“Um, I’m sorry. Just trying to keep pace here…”
“Well, don’t. You scared me.”
Yeah. I scared YOU. Let’s go back to you punching the shit of my sternum, because that’s not frightening at all.
5. Going Down. I’m all about recipocration. I don’t mind going down there and doing that, hopefully you’re SOMEWHAT manicured. But if it isn’t doing it for you, please let me know. Don’t say, ‘Hey you fucking suck!” But ya know, be tactful, let’s move on to something else. Don’t let me go on and on until my tongue is hanging out of the side of my mouth, like I’m an overweight English Bulldog that just ran up Runyon Canyon.
6. Most of the girls I’ve been with thought they were GREAT at giving head — most weren’t. I’m not gonna go into a blow job instructional here, but when did the ‘little bit of teeth is OK’ practice begin? Who started this? I don’t want teeth. Not a little bit. Not at all. Maybe there are guys out there who enjoy having a layer of skin peeled off their shaft, but not me. Also, don’t just use hands to finish me off. I can do that myself, and probably better than you (let’s be honest, I’ve had MUCH more practice.) No one wants a handjob. But a combination of both hand and mouth is always welcome.
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